Before i write this, i need to preface this with an important message: This is not triggered by any hidden news. I did not get any alarming medical diagnosis. I am not planning on offing myself. I do not have any secret foreshadowing of impending doom. As far as i know, i’m on track to die of a heroin overdose when i’m 111 when i’ve taken my teeth out a final time to pay for my smack habit as a geriatric hooker.
I love those people who say ‘If anything should happen to me.’
If? Are you part of some secret master race where nothing bad will ever happen to you? Is dying an option for you? I mean, i thought it was just something that happened to everyone, there is no if. It’s a when. You are born, you die. It’s simple. There’s no ‘if’. But maybe you’re special. I don’t know.
So when i die. Not if. When. Not ‘when something happens to me.’ When. I. Die. This is what needs to happen:
Hubby darling already knows that my body needs to be in the cheapest, most biodegradable box possible. Preferably, it should say ‘Frigidaire’ on the side, and it was stolen from Appliance Sales Plus in the dead of night the night before my funeral. If you see me in some fancy box, you’d better drag my dead ass out of it and put me in some cheap piece of shit because i am NOT going to rot in something that costs over finny bucks.
If there are nasty Gardenias at my funeral, i will come back from the dead and beat the living shit out of all of you.
If no one stands up and tells funny stories about me, i will have failed. If my funeral isn’t full of people laughing until they cry, and then laughing some more, i totally failed. If no one bursts into song, or does an interpretive dance around my ghetto coffin, well, i haven’t done something right.
So there ya go. When i die, come to my funeral, play some Nawlins jazz, talk about that one time i did that dumbass thing, sing, and dance. That’s all i ask.
Now that my last wishes are public, i can sleep tonight, content that if i get hit by a bus tomorrow*, all will be well.
*Getting hit by a bus is a really remote possibility in Mahopac. There are barely any buses, and it would be nearly impossibly for that cliche’ to happen.
Crap. Now that i said it, i’m going to be road pizza. Oops. Um… I love you all? Feel free to laugh at my ironic death?